There are less than two hours left in 2007, and I've finally found a moment to retreat to the solitude of my studio so that I can put together a few thoughts before the big ball drops.  If I don't get this posted before the stroke of midnight, it will mark the first time since I started Steelbender.com that I've gone an entire calendar year without publishing any articles aside from the Spotlight profiles.   Actually, I don't like to write just for the sake of posting; but the end of a year seems to be a good time to make a few moments and take stock of the "bigger picture".  My lights are turned down low in an effort to relax the mood.  Don't ask what I'm wearing because that's not what this writing is about .

I will not be gigging tonight, nor will I be attending any New Year's Eve events to observe the arrival of 2008.  I am glad about that.   Lately, I have greatly enjoyed spending time at home and being left to my devices (literally).  Over the past couple of weeks, my teaching load has been reduced since a number of my students are away for the holidays.  My fellow bandmates have been out of town as well, so it has given me the time and space to attend to some various projects that I've wanted to complete.  In short, it's been a very productive, yet hectic month.   Sandwiched in between my regular activities, have been Christmas parties (substitute your politically-correct celebration of choice) to attend and host, as well as the maddening rush that usually accompanies this time of season.  I'm glad the holidays are almost over, which probably means I haven't been observing them in the correct spirit.   I admit that I succumbed to the commercialism that I don't care for this year by getting caught in the frenzy of last-minute shopping and the general mayhem that I am sometimes successfully able to avoid.

I know that I am getting older because my ideal personal meaning of Christmas has changed since I was younger.  I honestly couldn't care less if anybody gave me any gifts for the holidays.  Nobody should feel burdened to have to buy something  to show that they care for me.  Of course, I normally enjoy giving things to others because I like it when something I can give makes them happy.  Material things don't last forever; but there's no shame in acknowledging that they can bring some form of pleasure.  I just don't like it when I feel that I have to "buy" into the commercial mandate which encourages many to overextend themselves both physically and financially at a particular time every year.  Maybe I need to learn how to receive as well as giving.  That said, I probably should have given more to some for the sole reason that I want to bring joy to people.  I do believe there are ways to give which go beyond the purchase of a material present.  Besides, a lot of gifts seem to be forgotten shortly down the road.  Still, it can be fun to bestow a physical gift upon someone who takes delight in it.  As in most things, balance is the key.

Speaking of annual times, it seems that the Christmas countdown gets earlier and earlier every year.  The malls in our area were playing Yuletide music and hanging red and green decorations even before Halloween had occurred this year!  If it were up to me, Christmas and the other December observances in America wouldn't be focused upon until the end of Thanksgiving.   We did manage to drag out the tree and accompanying decor this season at home. Thankfully we got it all taken down this week.  Sometimes I hate to see the decorations come down; but for some reason, I wanted to have it all packed away before January 1st this time around.   I'm not certain that I'm becoming Mr. Scrooge in spite of my weariness with the affairs of the month.  Probably the most enjoyment that I had over the holidays this year, was watching my little niece enjoying the magic that few other times can bring to a child like Christmas.   Honestly, I think I could go a long time without hearing another Christmas song.  I got so tired of going into stores and restaurants only to be bombarded by fifty million artists doing the same dozen holiday tunes.  Anyway, as of the end of this sentence, I plan to not revisit Christmas until December of 2008.

2007 was a difficult year in my life.  I say this in the spirit of contemplation and am not soliciting pity.  Many things have happened which I think will ultimately make me a smarter and more compassionate person.  Some of you may be aware that my Dad passed away in January.  It was definitely not a good way to start 2007.   He had been ill for the last seven years of his life, suffering everything from a massive stroke to Multiple Myeloma, the latter being a form of cancer that caused his death.  He did have moments of good life quality during those years; but the down times were very difficult on him and those who loved him.  I've always said that when somebody has cancer in your family, it's almost like you have it too.  There were countless medical appointments, chemotherapy treatments and hospitalizations to go through.  I gladly helped whenever I could (though gladly is a relative term).

When I was younger, I watched all four of my grandparents go through some horrific health situations from which they died.  It made a great impact on me as a child because I loved them all and we shared close relationships.  There were many times when I feared that something similar would happen to my parents.  When my Dad had his stroke, it was incredibly hard to watch.   He was always a strong man; but he surprised me with the strength and grace he showed during his recovery, though he certainly went through occasions of frustration and doubt.  The stroke was so severe initially that there were concerns by the neurologist that he would not survive, let alone regain basic functionality.  After a six-week hospital stay and lengthy rehab later, my Dad was able to resume many things we never thought were possible.  He was able to speak almost 100% normally again, as well as walk and drive his car.  He regained his independence.  It was humbling to observe how he persevered and triumphed in many ways over such a serious calamity.  Then the cancer diagnosis which came in 2002 caught us all terribly off-guard.   My father, being a physician for most of his life, knew the ultimate prognosis was terminal.  He tried very hard to fight the illness, encountering a nearly-fatal bone marrow transplant about four years ago. James Lipton, host of "Inside the Actors Studio", once asked Gene Wilder what his least favorite word in the world was.   Wilder didn't hesitate when he said "Cancer", having lost his wife Gilda Radner to the disease.  The word has not gained any favor in my eyes over the years.

I know that a number of you reading this have probably had loved ones with cancer.  Some of you might even have it yourself.    To you, I probably don't need to explain the roller-coaster of emotions and physical struggles that it brings.  I definitely hope I never have to deal with it in my own body, nor do I want to see anybody else in my family develop it.  I've seen way too much of it in my life.  It is one of the worst things I can think of, though it's not an automatic death sentence in some cases.   We all must die from something unfortunately.  I've often wondered if it's better to contract a fatal disease with enough warning time to make final peace with one's life, or if keeling over from an instant heart attack would be preferable.  Doesn't seem like we have too many good options do we?

In my father's case, the blessing is that we were able to openly address things with him and express our love in many ways before it was too late.  I was holding him when he died, and it broke my heart to watch the last twelve hours of his life.  I will never forget the experience.  It's not something I would actively seek to go through; but I am profoundly grateful that I was there when it happened.   Hopefully he was able to take some degree of comfort from my presence.  Less than an hour before he left, I fed him one last spoonful of crushed ice that he craved to ease his dry mouth.   He chewed it, clinging onto whatever relief it provided, even though he would shortly take his last breath.  I still don't know when he gave up in terms of letting everything go.  Maybe it was at the moment he died.  Maybe it was the previous afternoon when the doctors told him there was nothing more they could do.  In either case, he never stopped looking out for his family, with last minute instructions for us to attend to our most trivial needs.

Even though I am at peace because I was able to tell him all of the things I wanted to while he was alive, I still find myself  instinctively reaching for the phone on occasion to call and tell him about certain things that have happened in his absence.  Whether it's about a sporting event,  making barbecue, or to talk about something on tv, it's then that the realization sinks in that he's not going to answer.

More poignantly, today would have been his 68th birthday.

New Year's Eve will always remind me of my Dad because he was born on this day.  It has always been an opportunity for us to get together to celebrate his special day and the importance that he has had in our lives.  This evening, my family came over to have dinner and mark the event.   Now that they've gone and things have quieted down, I feel compelled to acknowledge how much he meant to me with a nod here.  We didn't always have the perfect relationship but I couldn't have picked a better person to have been my father.  Like any longterm relationship,  people teach you both what to do and not to do.  I am thankful that my Dad and I were close, and that he was with us as long as he was.  I miss him deeply and wish he could be here.  He lives on in my heart and there will never be a day when I don't think about him.  It is hard for me to believe that it has almost been a year since he passed.  For better or worse (and hopefully for the better), I am who I am primarily because of the influence he has had on my life.

So, 2007 moved along and taught me that I could indeed live and find moments of happiness without my Dad around.  I had always dreaded the day he wouldn't be here physically.  I'm not saying by any means that I don't have the normal moments of sadness and reflection about him.  However, especially toward the end of this year, I've become more comfortable and accepting of the notion that I have the strength to endure and prosper in his absence.  Sometimes I do feel like he's still around and watching out for me.   Sometimes I feel like he's probably rolling his eyes and shaking his head.  I hope that he would be proud of how my family and I have coped with his loss.  We miss our leader!

There were good moments for me this past year.  I'm grateful for my family, friends, and the material basics that I have.  The idea that love and forgiveness are the two greatest forces in the world,  has been abundantly reinforced in my life during 2007.  I've needed to accept forgiveness from others for my transgressions, and I have also needed to give it at times, even if it wasn't asked for!.  Both can be daunting endeavors.   Maybe the hardest one for me is forgiving myself.   I'm not thinking of one incident or matter here; rather the fact that we all experience things that bring us into conflict with others either in thought or action, no matter how noble or innocent our intentions might be.  I'm always striving for the balance between confidence and humility.  Sometimes it is frightening to have the blunt and utterly stark realization that I am truly wrong about something.   This is where forgiveness is often the ideal salve.  I actually have a problem being right sometimes too, and not trusting myself when I should.  Not always though .  I think back to those episodes of Happy Days where the Fonz could never admit to making a mistake.  "I was wr-wr-wr---wroooo........"   (I don't like being wrong.  In fact I thought I was one time.....but I was mistaken!)

Musically, 2007 was an up and down time.  The year started off well with a band project that much had been invested in both emotionally and financially by the parties involved.  Then things fell apart  for reasons that I contributed to, as well as others that are still vague to this day.  However unsettling it was at the time, it validated a belief that I've subscribed to for a long time:  everything happens for a reason.....and I trust that the reason is ultimately positive in the long-term no matter how unenjoyable the circumstance is at the time.  There are very few things I look back upon in my life where this doesn't hold true.  I also learned who my true friends were, at least to this point in time.  The adversity we encountered about mid-year with the band isn't pleasant for me to look back on; but I also see things that subsequently happened which have set me on a new and positive course.  For one thing, it has made me focus completely on what I desire in music and those that I play with.  Life is too short for me to actively seek something where I know I will not be happy.  It doesn't mean that I'm a perfect musician or that anybody else is either.  It doesn't mean that every musical venture in my future will unfold in a smooth and expected manner.   It means that I am much more aware of the things that make me happy.  I am wanting to be cognizant of how to reconcile my desires with the equally legitimate goals of others.   The project I am alluding to accomplished a number of achievements that I am proud of.   Certainly, it failed to reach other goals.  Yet, I don't think there are truly any failed relationships in life.  Even if they appear to "fail", I think in reality they fulfill something of value, though the beauty and worth of the lesson sometimes isn't revealed until time has passed.   The really great thing that has happened from this, is that my relationship has grown tremendously with the people who remained onboard. We have been productive in creating music that is important to us as well as extending our friendships.  I look forward to building upon this in 2008.

I have consciously opened my mind to new and potentially uncomfortable playing opportunities recently.  My good friend and bandmate, Mark Scheuer and I, participated in a theater production at the University of North Carolina, where we helped to score and interpret the music for the presentation.   I have also made enormous strides in bringing my longtime concept of a portable, battery-powered ensemble to fruition (more on that in the near future).  Thanks to the invitation of a music minister, I was able to explore the avenue of integrating my guitar into a church setting.  That is definitely something which has given me moment for pause on many levels.

I've been working on improving my acoustic guitar playing, as well as reviewing and intensifying my study of music theory.  I realize just how much I don't know.  Nurturing my creative impulses has been a priority these days.  While there is much more work to be done and knowledge to be gained, I've been pleased with my efforts in these musical areas.  You probably would be thinking something is amiss if I didn't mention the perpetual acquisition of musical toys.  Rest assured, there are a few new ones in the fold; though I must say that I've thinned the herd in some areas.  De-cluttering and parting with some material things can be incredibly liberating and revitalizing!  Sometimes it's good for me to remember just how many positive things have indeed come from such an emotional year.

As for New Year's resolutions, I don't like them.   I never have really been successful in maintaining meaningful changes made according to the arrival of January 1st.  I have the power to change things in my life for the better and can definitely touch upon a few goals here; but I do so not because these ambitions suddenly start to be fulfilled on the first day of a calendar year.  I always want to become more musically and spiritually enlightened no matter the date.  I would like to be more compassionate and patient.  Wisdom is always nice to have, though sometimes painful to gain.   I want to be both a better teacher and student of the guitar, and to give it the respect that I feel it deserves.  This should also ideally translate into a better website here for you to read.

Physically, I will confess that I have not been the best steward of my body for the past several years.  I will be hitting the big 4-0 later in 2008 (God willing).....and there are certain things that happen to most of us as we get older.  For many men, there is that impending weight gain thing that seems to happen in the late thirties and early forties.  Due to a combination of factors, including sporadic exercise, less-than-optimal eating habits, and my love for beverages produced from grapes and grains, I have already been through what I'm calling my "Fat Elvis" period.  I really noticed a decline in how I felt about my body starting in late 2004 to early 2005.  I was not happy musically or on a number of other levels.  While there have been some very good moments in the interim, there have also been times when I know that my performance both in music and as an overall human being has suffered.   When I go back and read my journals and look at photos over the past several years, it is evident to me that I have changed and not to my liking.    However, I am not here to tell you that my resolution for improvement starts January 1st, because it has already been in effect for the past couple of months!

Before you wonder if you are on Oprah's website or assume that I'm confessing my life away here, rest assured that I'm adhering to the spirit of reflection stated in this article's title.   I'm sharing these things in case you might take something useful for your own life.    Over the past three years or so, I added about 50 lbs to my frame...and we aren't talking muscle.  Aside from being a somewhat "chunky" kid, I never had extended periods of being overweight, though there was definitely more of me to love at times than others..  Sometimes I probably could've have been accused of being underweight.   Fast forward to today- I have been able, through moderate exercise and better choices of consumption, to drop almost 20 lbs.  I don't know that I have a tangible goal in terms of a number.   I just want to feel better. The process has already started.  This has not only improved my physical being, it has made me feel a lot better about my music as well.   If you want to know how 20 lbs feels, lift about two Gibson Les Pauls onto your back as a starting point.  I haven't jumped off the deep end into the pool of religion and completely pure living by any measure.....I've simply tried to make a few adjustments for long-term happiness.   I want these to be ongoing and not the flash-in-the-pan alterations normally governed by the arrival of a new year.

No, I'm not going to quit smoking for 2008.   Why?   Well, if you have ever read this, then you know the answer to that one.   I don't smoke!  A really cool thing that made me think of this was when somebody actually came up to me recently and said that the linked article encouraged her to give up the habit.  I cannot describe how that made me feel.  It's not that I ever intended to do something like that; but it's times like those which drive home the reality that my words and feelings can have a positive affect on others.  It's an awe-inspiring responsibility to think that I can have any kind of helpful impact on somebody else.  (I know that some of my words in the past have also unfairly brought negative energy into a situation).   Don't worry, I'm not embarking on a journey to become the next Dr. Phil.   (That's TWO Oprah-related references in one article.  That is two more than what my one New Year's Resolution for 2008 will allow).

Okay, the hour of 2008 approaches.  I'm going to bring this one to a close with a simple wish:   May you and your loved ones have a healthy, happy and peaceful New Year!   Thank you for being interested in this website and my ramblings.  If you were able to read this far, you deserve to go do something fun now.  By the time you are getting this, the calendar will likely have changed.  Make sure to mark some days on yours to do something which makes you happy.  If you are like me, it may involve picking up the guitar and making some noise.

Sincerely,
 

Jason